I have been thinking a lot about my ED. I have always blamed it on my parents. I always blamed it on my circumstance. I even have a problem with a fear of failure, and again- its totally my parents fault. But is it? I am 27 years old. At what point is it my problem? At what point do I have to take responsibility for my actions (and reactions to my circumstances) and own them. At what point do I stop blaming the past (and time, and cupcakes) and take ownership of my choices.
Today. That's when.
I struggle with an eating disorder because I let food have power over me. I use food to help me cope and that has become a habit. I choose to binge. I choose to starve myself. I have the power. Realizing that is incredibly empowering. I have always felt like this ED is something that happened to me. That my depression was something that happened to me. Its not. Its something I can control. And it is no one's to own by mine.
I struggle with self belief and self confidence because I don't allow myself to succeed- or I don't count my successes as successes. I live in fear and I control that. My thoughts can change that and I can't blame that on anyone but myself. This realization is freeing. It is empowering to stop blaming and start owning. Because now instead of being a victim of my circumstances, I can change them.
So starting today, a new year in my life, I am going to own my choices and try to make better ones. I am not a victim. I am in control. And it feels pretty awesome :D