And writing about it yesterday, or at least about what I like to wear when I run in cooler weather, made me realize that I really should just do it. My friend Ida messaged me that she was excited I was considering running again, because in my past posts she felt like I had given up on it, and it made me think. Had I given up on it? What would happen if I never ran again? Do I even like running? Does anyone? Why do I have it in my mind that in order to be a good "fit person", I have to run? I don't know.
But what I did know is that I just needed to do it to get over my issue. So I redownloaded the Nike + Running app (because there is a cool feature that you can share your route without the world being able to figure out where you live... because stranger danger) and was poking around the features. I noticed a new "Coaching" section and found that they have a 5K training program in there. I literally hate C25K. I can't finish it and its not because I can't run that long, its just not my style. So I checked out the training and day 1 was "Run 1.5 miles". Ok... I could do that. It even suggested walk/ running intervals, which I can do, so I said okay.
Then I procrastinated. I checked my email a couple more times, checked my Facebook, did some dishes, and looked back at my phone. It's just a mile and a half. Its not going to kill you. It was hot outside, but again, it won't kill you, and maybe it will help you figure out how you feel about running. So I put on my running bra, and searched high and low for my compression capris (couldn't find them, had to wear long pants... in 85 degree weather) and threw on a tank top, head phones and running shoes. I couldn't back out now. I picked a podcast in my queue (oddly enough called "To Scared to Try" by The Chalene Show) and pushed go on the app.
Out the door I went, and I realized 1. Fuck its hot. 2. I didn't grab water- sweet! I ran for the first 5 minus before I needed a walking break, and did a lot of run-walk-run-walk in between there. Fun fact- when you don't run for a month, it is kinda hard when you decide to do it again... I made it up the big hill and was in the downhill part and I just let it go. I ran the whole way down the hill and walked the last little bit to cool down. And to be honest, it kinda sucked. The whole time I kept thinking "dammit I am thirsty. Why am I doing this? Is this fun? I don't think so... Fuck its hot" and so on. But I am listening to this podcast about how people don't start because they worry that their first try isn't perfect, rather that just "good enough" and so they never move forward. This exact fear of not being perfect has plagued me for years. Especially in my running. I have never been a runner. I never ran the mile in high school. I ran my first mile like a year ago on a treadmill (which is totally different than running on a road) and my first mile on a road in March. I used to think you had to set ridiculous goals and run ridiculous distances to be a "runner", something I SO BADLY wanted to be, because I am so not. But that shitty run made me realize that just getting out there, doing my best, and finishing it is good enough for me right now. I am not going to run a half marathon any time soon, but I don't have to. I am going to start with a mile. Then 3. And I am going to sign up for a 5K, something I haven't done in a year and a half, and just take it slowly.
Getting out there and just doing that run helped me get over this crazy fear I had of it. Sometimes we just need to shut up our brains and DO the thing to get back in the habit of doing it.
But I realized in that run that I have not given up. That I may not LOVE running but I love how it makes me feel afterward, when I am laying on the floor getting face kisses from my dog trying to catch my breath. And I love running with my friends, even if we chat as much as we run. I am okay if I never run ridiculously long distances, and I am okay if I do, but right now I want to focus on becoming a better short distance runner, and I can work up to it. I am excited for cooler weather, it always makes running easier, and I am looking at a few races to wet my feet with this fall.
It all comes down to this. Do the thing, you'll have the power. Stop building it up in your mind. It is not as bad as you think it is, and putting it off is making it worse. Just do it.