I haven't heard that song in YEARS so it was weird, but all morning as I was getting dressed I was singing it. "And I will sail my vessel, till the river runs dry..." and it made me listen to it. When I get songs stuck in my head- I HAVE to listen or they will stay there forever. Just me? Anyhoo. So I hopped on Spotify and listened to that song and it gave me goosebumps.
Have you heard that song recently? It totally spoke to me today. Here are some of the lyrics, in case you aren't familiar.
Too many times we stand aside
And let the waters slip away
'Til what we put off 'til tomorrow
Has now become today
So don't you sit upon the shoreline
And say you're satisfied
Choose to chance the rapids
And dare to dance the tide...
All of it! I have stood aside and let the water slip away, my dreams, my goals, I have sat back as they kept drifting off, not achieving a damn thing. I have been sitting on the shoreline- satisfied! I have lost a life changing amount of weight. Losing 60 lbs has actually changed my life. I am more comfortable in my skin, I am more active, I don't hate myself, I am satisfied, in a way. But its not because I am happy where I am, its because I am afraid to keep going. Afraid to chance the rapids! Rapids are scary! I don't know how to swim!
I am on the right track. I haven't missed a workout in over a week (baby steps) and I am being more mindful of my eating, all of it. But I am still staring at those rapids, not sure if I want to jump back in.
I think every person who has tried to lose weight has reached this point. They plateaued which turned into frustration which turned into contentment which turned in to false satisfaction which turned into fear of getting back out there. That is where I am. Standing on the shore, staring at the rapids, wanting so badly to get to the end of the damn river but afraid.
So for now I am dipping my toe in. I am wading up to my calves in the rapids and I know that I will get back in, I have to, but it will be at my own pace. And I am okay with that. Along the way I will LEARN how to swim and I will be stronger at the bottom.
Has this been metaphorical enough for you :P
I am going to go sing my lungs off to Garth Brooks some more. I am not sure this song will ever get out of my head, and I am just fine with that.