I am a quitter.
I have been a quitter my whole life. I have always been held to (or held my self to) ridiculously high expectations and the second I start to see success, I quit.
But that doesn't make sense...
Except it does. Here's why.
I have a paralyzing fear of failure. Growing up, failure wasn't an option. I felt degraded because I wasn't a straight A student. I wasn't in the marching band so I was less. But I never wanted to fail. I tried SO HARD not to fail, and any time I would start to actually do WELL instead of AVERAGE, I would clam up and quit.
Quitting is in my control. Success is too risky. If I reach for success, and I step off of the mediocrity platform of safety, I could fall, and thats what I am afraid of. But instead if I just stay on that platform, and never do anything spectacular or ever succeed, I will be okay.
I have pulled out of my half marathon.
Lets be real honest, after I pulled out of the Rocky Mountain Half, I never actually registered for the Georgetown to Idaho Springs one.
I tell myself its because my partner got pregnant and couldn't run it with me for medical reasons. I tell myself that its because my other friend had to bow out for personal reason. Thats what I tell myself.
The truth is, I quit. I quit a LONG time ago. I quit in April.
There is a lot of pressure as a blogger. I feel like if I promise something, I can't back down. Even something as crazy as running a freaking half marathon. I, again, hold myself to this ridiculously high standard, and as soon as I get toward the edge of the mediocrity platform, I bail. I binge. I quit running (I was doing well in the beginning!) and I hide in my shell of safety.
I am a coward.
So. Yeah. I am not running a half marathon in 3 weeks. Or probably not even in 3 months. Maybe not even in 3 years. I need to learn to walk (figuratively, I know how to walk) before I can run.
A friend of mine is doing a 7K at the end of August. I am going to start there. I have walk/run (intervals) further than that, so I KNOW this is something I can finish. I need to focus on setting goals I can actually attain. And not succumb to the pressure of the blogging world where everyone is running a half marathon so I should too.
I am not everyone.
I am just me.
One year ago I ran an entire mile for the first time in my life. Straight. Without stopping. I have only done that 5 times since then because I bail. I freak out and even tho I can breathe and my legs aren't falling off, I get close and I bail.
I have a lot of figuring out to do. I know that quitting as a defense mechanism isn't healthy. I know that. But its what I do.
If you don't respect me or think less of me because of this, go ahead. I am sorry to disappoint you. But I need to do this for me.
And lets be real honest- you had to see this coming! I posted like 3 weeks ago about how I wasn't training. Its not like this is a shock to anyone. I have been nothing if not honest about my struggle- with my weight loss and gain this year, with this half marathon and with my self doubt and eating disorder. I really believe this looming goal has been the root of all of it.
I am going back to small goals. I need to feel baby tiny successes so maybe it won't scare the crap out of me anymore.