Operation Skinny Jeans: Lets be honest.

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Lets be honest.

I was going to save this for Monday, because of the whole "marathon monday" thing, but I need to say it now. Its been weighing heavily on me for weeks.

I am a quitter.

Yep.

I have been a quitter my whole life. I have always been held to (or held my self to) ridiculously high expectations and the second I start to see success, I quit.

But that doesn't make sense...

Except it does. Here's why.

I have a paralyzing fear of failure. Growing up, failure wasn't an option. I felt degraded because I wasn't a straight A student. I wasn't in the marching band so I was less. But I never wanted to fail. I tried SO HARD not to fail, and any time I would start to actually do WELL instead of AVERAGE, I would clam up and quit.

Quitting is in my control. Success is too risky. If I reach for success, and I step off of the mediocrity platform of safety, I could fall, and thats what I am afraid of. But instead if I just stay on that platform, and never do anything spectacular or ever succeed, I will be okay.

I have pulled out of my half marathon.

Lets be real honest, after I pulled out of the Rocky Mountain Half, I never actually registered for the Georgetown to Idaho Springs one.

I tell myself its because my partner got pregnant and couldn't run it with me for medical reasons. I tell myself that its because my other friend had to bow out for personal reason. Thats what I tell myself.

The truth is, I quit. I quit a LONG time ago. I quit in April.

There is a lot of pressure as a blogger. I feel like if I promise something, I can't back down. Even something as crazy as running a freaking half marathon. I, again, hold myself to this ridiculously high standard, and as soon as I get toward the edge of the mediocrity platform, I bail. I binge. I quit running (I was doing well in the beginning!) and I hide in my shell of safety.

I am a coward.

So. Yeah. I am not running a half marathon in 3 weeks. Or probably not even in 3 months. Maybe not even in 3 years. I need to learn to walk (figuratively, I know how to walk) before I can run.

A friend of mine is doing a 7K at the end of August. I am going to start there. I have walk/run (intervals) further than that, so I KNOW this is something I can finish. I need to focus on setting goals I can actually attain. And not succumb to the pressure of the blogging world where everyone is running a half marathon so I should too.

I am not everyone.

I am just me.

One year ago I ran an entire mile for the first time in my life. Straight. Without stopping. I have only done that 5 times since then because I bail. I freak out and even tho I can breathe and my legs aren't falling off, I get close and I bail.

I have a lot of figuring out to do. I know that quitting as a defense mechanism isn't healthy. I know that. But its what I do.

If you don't respect me or think less of me because of this, go ahead. I am sorry to disappoint you. But I need to do this for me.

And lets be real honest- you had to see this coming! I posted like 3 weeks ago about how I wasn't training. Its not like this is a shock to anyone. I have been nothing if not honest about my struggle- with my weight loss and gain this year, with this half marathon and with my self doubt and eating disorder. I really believe this looming goal has been the root of all of it.

I am going back to small goals. I need to feel baby tiny successes so maybe it won't scare the crap out of me anymore.

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17 comments :

  1. Jess, I read your blog regularly but I don't always comment. There is nothing wrong with taking a step back and focusing on smaller goals. You are NOT a coward. It seems like you made a smart choice for YOU.

    I can totally relate to what you said about once you start to see success, you quit. I've been guilty of the same thing throughout my life - I'm afraid to hold myself to a higher standard because as soon as I don't meet that higher standard, I'll view myself as a failure. Something I've learned through blogging and interacting with people such as yourself is that it's ok not to meet our goals everytime. It's ok to mess up. That doesn't make us "failures" - it makes us human and it's all part of our journey.

    I wish you luck in whatever your goals are from here on out but PLEASE don't get down on yourself about this. You have a lot of success to be happy and proud about.

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  2. Hey Jess - I know it sucks to admit you're backing out - but you have to do what is right for you! Don't worry about what other people think about your success. Just know that there are other people out in this world who find you very inspirational :)

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  3. You gotta do what is best for you. I think it's good that you pulled from the race if you didn't feel ready. Don't succumb to pressure :) Just focus on the small goals. I prefer small goes so it isn't as overwhelming. And if you enjoy running longer distances, then go for the half later. If not, no big deal just go for whatever interests you next.

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  4. The courage it takes to write a blog. To invite us in to your world....to not hide! That's a success! Running is a beast, girl! and being able to run one mile is HUGE! I'm sure you know success is made up of a ton of baby steps. and you motivate me all the time with your small (yet very admirable!!) successes! Just keep sharing your story! You truly help me!

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  5. You aren't alone as a 'quitter.' I often think I'm the same, I bloggly announced that I would do a half-marathon this year. Not a specific one or date, but that it would happen. Well, then you know what? Life happened. Whether its legitimate medical reasons, or mental blocks externally or internally that prevent us from ourselves, it doesn't matter, its life.
    If people think any less of you for admitting your weakness for perfection or success, then they aren't supporting you in all of your "edges and imperfections" (that we all have!!)

    Just keep swimming....

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  6. You are just not ready. When you are, you will run it. No worries!

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  7. Life happens and it's ok! I was supposed to run my first 5k August 9 and I didn't make it past a week of training two months ago because I hurt my foot. When it's better, I will try again when I'm ready. So will you!

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  8. I respect you for backing out. You know what? I have no desire to do great things. I realize that makes me sound like a real scum bag, but I'm being honest. I write my blog to hold myself accountable during this journey. All I want to do is lose weight and get in shape. I don't need to run a marathon (I don't WANT to run a marathon), and neither do you. I actually think it would be smart if you forget about the 7K too, and just focus solely on 5K's. Just run 5K's until you can run the entire thing without a walk break...then run another one and try to build up your speed a little...and THEN see how you feel about setting a bigger goal. You have a lot of people rooting for you, so don't sweat this!

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  9. You are not here to prove anything to anyone. If you are not ready...don't do it (whatever "it" is). I don't think that makes you a coward. Actually, admitting you are not ready is the opposite.

    You have follow your own journey. Don't worry about what others on line "might" think of you.

    Discretion is the better part of valor.

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  10. i'm inspired by your honesty.
    i love that you're real.
    you're working on you and building a healthier future.
    you'll get there! :)
    and we're all here to build you up!

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  11. At the end of the day, you don't need to prove anything to anyone BUT TO YOURSELF! (Sadly, I think we all need to tell ourselves that a lot or maybe I do)
    What I personally see (read) is a girl that sees what is going on, admitting it & most of all... Not giving up!
    Giving up would be not posting this post to yourself & to the world. By being in denial & thinking you're still reaching your goal.
    Now you know what needs to be done & actually reach deep inside & achieving your goals.

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  12. You aren't a coward, you are a badass because you share your journey! You are doing great!

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  13. You have to do what is right for you and your body. And if people don't like it screw them! :)

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  14. I think there is a difference between being a quitter and perhaps attempting to do something that didn't interest you 110%. Running takes focus and commitment.

    I used to want to run, because in my mind, it was the picture of health. And I did for bit...not much, but I could run for 3 minutes at a time. It was difficult, but I then told myself, perhaps that is the max for me, and that's ok, because before this experience, I never even attempted to run any length of time. Then I hurt my foot and had to stop. Now? I just can't wrap my head around doing it. I just don't want to. Maybe deep down, you just don't want to either and just felt it was the "hip" thing to do.

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  15. In my head all I can hear myself saying right now is... Girl did you start this blog for thousands of people to be reading ? Did you start this process of losing weight for the virtual world? Did you decide to get healthy because it would please the world ?

    The answer I came up with to each and every one of those things is a big fat NO !! You are doing this for YOU !!! This is about you YOUR journey your struggle it does not matter what anyone else thinks or wants for you. It is YOU this is for any and all of it. No matter what !!

    I was once told that weight loss and lifestyle changes are like a stair case .... you go up and down. It is like the rollercoaster ride of your life.... I have been at it since last September 2013. I have lost a big fat 17 pounds !! So what ... I dont care not what anyone else thinks anyways. I care about me thats why I am doing this because I love me enough to get healthy and to me I have no set time frame I feel the need to do it in. I have 85 POUNDS TO GO !! But that's never how I look at it. I have a thought process that kinda goes like this ... anything I do I want to be able to sustain FOREVER ! I drink 2 tim hortons french vanillas with two extra scoops of powder a day !! Yes 16 tsp of sugar in each !! I LOVE THEM !! I have no interest in giving them up.

    Exercise hurts my feet and the outer muscle in my legs so much I cant walk after.... for hours ! I set mini goals each month hahaha. They tend to repete themselves monthly ... Jillian Micheals is NOT my friend she can 30 day shread her way into someone else home. LOL. Yoga brings me peace and tranquility and a very balanced body I love it.... but be damned planter faceitis(sp) I could not continue ! Ill try again in the fall. I ride bike every once in awhile and I walk every once in awhile and Jillian comes to visit for a short visit once every few weeks. There is NOTHING consistent to my exercise. But its baby steps and small changes that are making there way into my life for the long haul that I see. I drink water every day ... LOTS of it. I drank caffeine free diet pop from sun up to sun down before I wouldn't even go anywhere with out a stash and a straw. I eat spinach 2and kale and zucchini, egg whites are a staple in my home and low fat cheese and cream cheese and1/2 fat renes ohhh how I love renes ceaser dressing... I drink 1 % milk in place of 2. I eat all those low fat things now and thin sandwich bread in place of a kaiser. I do those things like second nature now. I and I can live with them.

    I however HATE running ! I would never could never and wont ever plan to run an anything to lose weight or get healthy, I wont aspire to pump iron or do a tough mudder. Its just not me .....And maybe just maybe it isnt you either. My point in the huge reply is this.

    You are you ! This is your body, your life and your future to do with what makes your soul sing. I see your yoga photos and can see the pure bliss in your eyes ... do that... take a walk on the beach, appreciate the warmth on your face and the sound of the waves crashing on the shore. Eat what you love in moderation controlling your portions. It doesn't matter if it takes you a year or three Celebrate you ! All your success to this point and be ok with what it is you want to do moving forward no matter what those around you are doing. To run or not to run .... that's only for you to decide. Its ok to make choices and changes to those choices as long as they are whats right for you !!!
    YOU INSPIRE ME !

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  16. You gotta do you! Don't you worry what any one else will think. Running that race without being prepared for it would do more harm that good, anyway. Take your time - make sure you enjoy what you're doing. The second blogging or running or going to yoga feels like a chore is the second you have to take a step back - it's not quitting - it's looking at it in perspective and how it's effecting your mentality and happiness. Enjoy life, enjoy the journey - don't just do something because you feel like you have to write about it on the blog. You and your blog inspire me, but your blog should also be a place for you to gather inspiration and support for yourself. :)

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  17. I'm trying to catch up on blog reading, and I got a lump in my thraot as I read this, because you and I are so the same on this one. I have had some hard runs lately in marathon training, and now I'm debating dropping down to the half marathon at Denver rock n roll, because I'm 100% terrified that I won't be able to finish the course in the time limit, and instead of being embarrassed by not finishing, I am thinking about just doing the distance I know I can complete. And I'm so mad at myself for pulling out of GTIS, because it feels like I'm letting dumb crap (that isn't dumb, but this is my down on myself internal monologue) stand in the way of me doing things that will improve upon my ability to succeed.

    I agree with you that we all need to just do ourselves, and stop comparing our vision of success to that of anyone else's. Who gives a fuck if success to me is finishing a marathon, and to you it's running a 7k? Not me. I am always so proud of you, and the fact that you seek to be real, and honest, and to do what is the best thing for you. And I'm blessed that I've gotten to know you better. Because you are one of those people who is not only awesome, but can also push me to be better without ever once having to say, "Kristen, you can do better." You do it by admitting where you fall short, and how you're going to pick yourself up again. And I LOVE that.

    Sorry for writing a blog post in your comments ;)

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