Part of the way I grew up, with the mindset of a binge eater, I never learned that I was deserving of praise. I didn't hear it a lot, or if I did it always seemed insincere in comparison to the huge amount of negative feedback I was getting. When all you hear is negative, and someone throws in a positive in there, you tend to not believe them. Not because you don't trust them, but because it goes against everything else you have been told. Does that make sense?
So to get to my point, I am bad a taking compliments. I appreciate every single one I receive, but they can be overwhelming. At this point in my journey I KNOW I am on the right track, and that I have made progress, but I can't seem to accept that praise in my heart. I don't FEEL like I have done something "amazing", despite hearing it in your compliments. Its not that I don't trust you, I just don't know how to believe you in my heart. And to be honest, it makes me a little uncomfortable.
Not that I want you to stop. I mean, crap, now it sounds like I am ASKING for compliments. I'm not. I promise. I am not asking you to stop either. I think hearing them is slowly chipping away at the wall I have built around myself. The "fat ugly unsuccessful girl" wall I have that in my head is just as fat, ugly and unsuccessful as it always has been. While I can't accept it now, I think your praise is helping me see myself through your eyes.
I guess what I am trying to say is thank you. Thank you for seeing things in me I still can't seem to see in myself. I am not lying when I say that I love myself and my body, even tho writing this it kinda seems that way. I do. I couldn't post a picture of myself practically naked on the internet if I didn't. But I can tell you that I don't look like that woman in my head. When I close my eyes and picture myself, I am still 290 lbs, unhappy and uncomfortable in my own skin. It's like I have this bi-polar view of my self. When I see it with my eyes (especially side by sides, which is why I try to look at them fairly often, to try to convince myself that I look different), I see that I am smaller. But in my head, I am not explaining this right. ugh.
Anyhoo. My point really is thank you. I appreciate that you all think I am beautiful and amazing and whatever, and I promise that I think those things about myself 96% of the time, but hearing it from you is harder. So excuse my awkward reply because I don't know what to say besides "thank you" as a silently twitch and writhe from the uncomfortableness that I feel about it. Does that make sense?