Operation Skinny Jeans: Please bear with me.

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Please bear with me.

So I have this problem.

Part of the way I grew up, with the mindset of a binge eater, I never learned that I was deserving of praise. I didn't hear it a lot, or if I did it always seemed insincere in comparison to the huge amount of negative feedback I was getting. When all you hear is negative, and someone throws in a positive in there, you tend to not believe them. Not because you don't trust them, but because it goes against everything else you have been told. Does that make sense?

So to get to my point, I am bad a taking compliments. I appreciate every single one I receive, but they can be overwhelming. At this point in my journey I KNOW I am on the right track, and that I have made progress, but I can't seem to accept that praise in my heart. I don't FEEL like I have done something "amazing", despite hearing it in your compliments. Its not that I don't trust you, I just don't know how to believe you in my heart. And to be honest, it makes me a little uncomfortable.

Not that I want you to stop. I mean, crap, now it sounds like I am ASKING for compliments. I'm not. I promise. I am not asking you to stop either. I think hearing them is slowly chipping away at the wall I have built around myself. The "fat ugly unsuccessful girl" wall I have that in my head is just as fat, ugly and unsuccessful as it always has been. While I can't accept it now, I think your praise is helping me see myself through your eyes.

I guess what I am trying to say is thank you. Thank you for seeing things in me I still can't seem to see in myself. I am not lying when I say that I love myself and my body, even tho writing this it kinda seems that way. I do. I couldn't post a picture of myself practically naked on the internet if I didn't. But I can tell you that I don't look like that woman in my head. When I close my eyes and picture myself, I am still 290 lbs, unhappy and uncomfortable in my own skin. It's like I have this bi-polar view of my self. When I see it with my eyes (especially side by sides, which is why I try to look at them fairly often, to try to convince myself that I look different), I see that I am smaller. But in my head, I am not explaining this right. ugh.

Anyhoo. My point really is thank you. I appreciate that you all think I am beautiful and amazing and whatever, and I promise that I think those things about myself 96% of the time, but hearing it from you is harder. So excuse my awkward reply because I don't know what to say besides "thank you" as a silently twitch and writhe from the uncomfortableness that I feel about it. Does that make sense?


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12 comments :

  1. This is not a compliment. It is a fact. You are awesome. What you are doing is real, and honest, and deserving of praise. When you look back on this journey (we'll be looking back together:) you're going to see all of these people still cheering you on and giving you a high five! Because you freaking deserve it!!!!!!!!!!! xoxoxoxxoxo

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  2. OMG...I know EXACTLY how you feel. Mine stems from being a chunky child & being teased about it, and then ending up in an abusive relationship where every little thing about me was torn down. I have met some wonderful people who have helped me to overcome the "I don't deserve" attitude I had (I don't deserve for you to be nice, I don't deserve to be helped, I'm not good enough...yada, yada, yada). I got a huge compliment a couple of weeks ago (we were jokingly talking trophy wives & I said no way in hell could I ever be considered a trophy wife, he asked me why not, and then proceeded to tell me every good thing that he saw about me). I still have a hard time seeing myself the way others see me because when I close my eyes I see that chunky child, that worthless girlfriend, but I am working on it...slowly but surely! So I totally get what you are saying...and you deserve every single compliment you get girl!! As my sis-in-law has taught me...just smile and say thank you and eventually it will become as natural to accept a compliment (and believe it) as it is to breathe. xoxo

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  3. This makes perfect sense to me and I'm right there with you. I've had such low self-esteem my whole entire existence that receiving compliments is hard work for me to accept. BUT, the changes you are making and have made will hopefully help with that and build up the ole confidence. (It has for me) and maybe in time it will get easier!

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  4. I think you just spoke to the majority of people who have ever struggled with their weight, self esteem, or self worth. It is so odd hearing nice things from people when you have been exposed to so much negative in your world. I am the queen of awkward, so I totally get the weirdness. You are rocking it though girl! Keep it up!

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  5. I know exactly where you are coming from on this. You my dear are great at dishing out compliments even when I don't feel like I am deserving of them. 60 pounds later I still feel like the fat girl. I look in the mirror and don't see progress but the flaws and areas of my body I still need to work on even though they look SO MUCH BETTER than they did when I first started this. But when I look at you, I see how far you have come physically AND mentally and I know you are deserving of all the compliments and praise! We are both deserving and we should accept those compliments and KNOW we deserve them because we have been working our BUTTS OFF!!!!!!!! {quite literally} :)

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  6. OMG Jess... Get outta my head!! I have been thinking the same thing recently. I don't know how to respond to compliments other than to smile, say thank you and think silently that whoever is talking has been smoking something strong... You aren't alone (fact). You have made progress (fact). You inspire people (fact). I love following you on IG, because your progress makes me want progress for myself.

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  7. OMG yes yes yes. I agree with you. Thay doubt talker starts talking in your head and says that those nice compliments are fake or people are just being nice. Girl I totally understand!! From one girl that's trying to lose some 'LBs to another believe me when I say you are doing great and I'm proud of you.

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  8. I get you. And even though I know it's difficult to accept without trying to deflect it in some way...I repeat, you. are. amazing!!

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  9. I haven't been reading you very long but when I found your blog I just knew I needed to follow along and read your journey up to this point. So Hi nice to meet you. I have read this same thing on several of the other blogs I read about it being hard to see the skinny you when close your eyes. It got me thinking about why is it that so many people struggle with the changes emotionally once they have happened physically. Here is my thoughts... Fundamentally we are who we are on the inside.... our bodies are just a vessel that carries us through life and this is just my thoughts on it. So because who you are.... kind and thoughtful and caring.... that didn't change although your size did. I'm starting to think true beauty really does reside within us all and has nothing to do with the person we see in the mirror. Your true beauty has always been there so who you are is essentially the same. I think that is what makes seeing a physical transformation so difficult. I am know-where near where you are in weight loss I am just at my beginning and its post like this that make me take pause and think about this journey as a whole instead of as a physical transformation. Thanks for sharing. BTW you are beautiful in both your before and your after....

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  10. You are still IN your journey and every day you are evolving and growing and learning everyday! This post is just another STEP in your journey! You ARE amazing and strong and beautiful! You are inspiring! THANK YOU!!
    adifferentD.blogspot.com

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  11. You are so sweet an adorable! I hope that one day you get to the point in your journey where you can gracefully accept compliments and know that they are sincere. Heck, if random strangers on the internet are saying nice things to you, you KNOW it must be true! lol. Anyway, keep up the good work! You are awesome. :)

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  12. Reprogramming negative self-talk is probably the hardest work that I have ever had to do. One thing that has worked well for me is to write down one unique, sincere compliment about myself every day for a month, and then post them all over my house. I also posted them on my blog and on Instagram. At the end of that month, I was amazed at how different my self-perception was!

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