Operation Skinny Jeans: Hump Day Confessions

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Hump Day Confessions

That sounds like a bad tv show.

So I have been avoiding writing this but I feel like a liar so I am just going to get it out there.

I have taken a few steps back.

I have no excuses. I got into a stressful situation a few weeks ago and I started bingeing again. Not nearly as bad as I used to, but any binge is a bad binge. I would tell myself as I was gearing up to it "This is a binge. You are stronger than this. Just fucking stop!" and I wouldn't.

I actually sat in the parking lot of Wal Mart shoving doughnuts and m&ms into my face simultaneously while crying. That happened.

I am not proud. In fact I am the opposite of proud. I am ashamed as hell. I fell under some familiar pressure and my brain took me down the familiar road.

I am looking into seeing an eating disorder specialized therapist. I felt like I was on the right path to recovery for so long and the ease that I slipped back into my old habits and thoughts scares me. I know I will always be a binge eater, but I want to be able to live without the fear of slipping back at any moment.

I also am going to start a journal of gratitude and self appreciation. I am pretty vocal about my self love, but I have a lot of self doubt still. I am hoping that by documenting something different every day that I am awesome at or love about myself will help with that :D

I am also going to try to actually finish 21 Day Fix. I think being in a better place mentally will help because it wont be a trigger to binge again.

So I am so sorry if I let you down. But it feels really good to get it off my chest. And in this few week long bingeapalooza I have been on, I am horrified to say that I am back in the 240's, 245 this morning. Seeing as in February I was flirting with the 220's, I am pretty much devastated. But I know I can get back there. I know it.

Thank you all again for your continued support. Know that I literally could not do this without you.

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40 comments :

  1. I love the journal idea. Keeping yourself positive is a great way to focus on the good things. But don't worry about a little slip. Pick yourself back up, brush it off, and continue on your amazing journey!

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  2. Yes it sucks that this happened to you but it's ok. You will bounce back from this. All of these changes at once, your body and mind are bound to try to fall into the same habits. Just keep strong and keep focused. You can do this, I know you can and you know you can :)

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  3. You'll get there! Kudos to you for accepting it and seeking some help! It is a real problem--and you can get past it!! We all love you and are proud of you for your honesty!! Keep writing about it--that will help and we'll help you stay accountable!!!

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  4. You are wonderful.. I am so glad that you felt comfortable to share. You are strong and can over come this. Its ok to not be perfect :) I'm here if you ever need to vent!

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  5. You are amazing! If you feel like talking to someone would help definitely look for a specialized therapist. Check with your company too - my employer offers EAP services.
    We are not disappointed in you - we are proud of you and your accomplishments - it wouldn't be a journey without bumps along the way!

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  6. I feel you pain.. I ate not one but two hostess sno balls... it happens.. let it go and move on... You are human and are allowed to slip up.. as long as you don't give up.. =)

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  7. It has happened to all of us binge eaters, Jess. You have a plan. You have a goal. And you can do this. We can do this. Thank you for your honesty and integrity.

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  8. I feel you pain.. I ate not one but two hostess sno balls... it happens.. let it go and move on... You are human and are allowed to slip up.. as long as you don't give up.. =)

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  9. I can relate. Binge eating is very difficult to overcome, one day at a time (I've been struggling for ten long years). I love your story, and you are just as inspirational now, because we are not perfect, we are human! Thank you for sharing, and please try not to feel ashamed, we've all been there! **HUGS**

    Amanda
    Salem, MA

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  10. Brush your shoulders off, girl! You are still doing an amazing job, minor set backs and all. We are all so proud of you!

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  11. Thank goodness there were only 3 oreos left in the bag the other night because I am sure I would have eaten the whole container of them. And I like to binge/eat crap I know I shouldn't have in privacy as well. Thankfully I have a 3 year old and a husband so privacy is a limited thing. But only the other night did I realize how secretive I am about that. I seriously will not eat a candy bar, cookie, cake, cheesy goodness unless I am alone. Sure I will endulge in some Queso at the restaurant, but not like I would if I was at home by myself. I keep telling myself, "If I have to hide this, is it the right thing to do." and sometimes that works and other times it doesn't. SIGH. Hopefully you find some answers with your therapist, if you find the right one, I think therapy can be an EXCELLENT way to heal the soul and mind!! Good luck girlie and just remember NO ONE is perfect.

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  12. First off (((HUGS))). Stress can be such an evil bitch. Just gotta keep on trying. You can't change the past, but you can sure as hell change your future. One day at a time, sweetie!

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  13. Big hug to you sister!! It happens, life is a series of ups and downs, its only natural and your human, but I know how you feel. I get it!! So feel it and move on, that's what you do. you know you can do it and you have seen the results....you got this!

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  14. Thanks for your honesty. And you aren't letting anyone down! We have all been there! I still have nothing but 1000% faith in you that you can do this!

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  15. The fact that you recognized you were going back to old habits shows how much you have grown! I love reading your blog because your honest and you are on still on your journey! You are such an inspiration abd so beautiful! You got this! :)

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  16. You can do this! You're such an inspiration to me and my sister in law. I showed her your IG this weekend and shes totally inspired by you. You HAVE COME A LONG WAY, and you're only going to get better!

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  17. Keep pushing forward lady! One healthy meal/snack at a time. You can absolutely get back on track- you're strong and determined!

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  18. You can do it girl!!! I know where you're coming from. That food gives the sense of fufillment that nothing else can. But you are stronger than that, you have proven that!!! A few steps back is OKAY! It's a life long struggle, you've got tons of support though! So proud of you for getting it off your chest. Don't forget how amazing you are!!

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  19. This was so brave, friend. *hugs* Every little thing is gonna be alright :))

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  20. You can do this! I know you can do this. Many of us have been there too. I had a bad day at the end of the week last week. I told my husband that I was going to the gym. Instead, I went to Walgreens and bought caramel eggs and Reese's eggs and sat in the car and shoved them in my face. The said part? I 'wanted" them so badly, but as I was eating them I hated myself with every bite. I did it because I was having a bad day, but it did not make me feel better. We all hit the low points, I guess the important part is bouncing back afterwards. I know that we appreciate your honesty. That's why we love ya!

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  21. hey lady friend -- don't beat yourself up! You have come SO far, and you will continue working your ass off! It's happened to all of us - getting in a slump - but you'll find your way out of it. If you want it, you'll go after it! Don't give up now! I'm rooting for you as well as all of the rest of us!

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  22. Oh Jess...I know EXACTLY how you feel. It's good that you are getting a handle on it now and identifying the problem. This happened to me and I gained all the weight I lost plus some back. It's been awful. I am now seeing a therapist which has been extremely helpful and I haven't had a binge in more than 6 weeks. One thing I would definitely advise is not to do the Ultimate Reset. That is when my back slide happened. I was so messed up about what I should and should not eat, it was really bad for me. Please do not apologize for what you are going through. Sending you lots of love and positive vibes.

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  23. Oh Jess...I know EXACTLY how you feel. It's good that you are getting a handle on it now and identifying the problem. This happened to me and I gained all the weight I lost plus some back. It's been awful. I am now seeing a therapist which has been extremely helpful and I haven't had a binge in more than 6 weeks. One thing I would definitely advise is not to do the Ultimate Reset. That is when my back slide happened. I was so messed up about what I should and should not eat, it was really bad for me. Please do not apologize for what you are going through. Sending you lots of love and positive vibes.

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  24. You only fail if you quit trying. You've got his.

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  25. You only fail if you stop trying. You've got this.

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  26. You're beautiful, and you've come such a long way. A few temporary setbacks isn't anywhere near enough to call yourself a failure. Good luck<3

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  27. I've been there. I know how you feel. I hate the hopeless, out of control feeling I get when I start binging. The last time I did it, I started off with a measured serving of chips. The next thing I knew I had eaten the entire bag and was looking through the pantry for more. Seeing a therapist and keeping a journal is a great idea. I know you'll overcome this!

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  28. there is no possible way you let us down Jess! I know exactly what you're going through and I am right in that same mood myself right now.I don't even know what to say. I want to cry actually I am crying. & I just want to give you a great big hug. We are in this together through thick and thin. binge or no binge. I know you and I know you are going to pick yourself up get yourself to that therapist and you were going to continue rocking it just like you have been!hang in there! If you need to talk I'm here for you.

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    1. and I wanted to say that I was only crying because you know how much I have struggled and I was all over here being selfish and poor Sonya when you were going through something as well. Never be afraid to speak up. You encouraged me, let others do the same for you!

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  29. Hugs! I know how you feel. I do so well with my own health journey and then something happens to push me right back into old habits. You will get there!

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  30. I could have written this post. I know all too well the feeling of knowing what you are doing and just not being able to stop. Eating a whole pizza and the entire batch of cookies and hating every minute, but you just.cannot.stop. Hang in there lady. This is just a roadblock in your path, not the end of your story!

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  31. You can do it! I believe in you! I love the journal idea!

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  32. You can do it! You're amazing! I dig the journal idea!

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  33. You know what it happens. The truth it happens more than some of us would like to admit. The positive is that you are open and honest about it and your getting back on track. Just like the quote says fall down eight times get up nine. You can do it girl!!!

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  34. You are so strong and self aware for the courage to put that on the blog! I still struggle with lying to myself, and I know that is my biggest down fall. Your blog has been fun and encouraging, and you can get right back to it! Cheering for you from the sidelines!

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  35. I think you are amazingly strong for having the balls to put that out there! If you can do that, you can do anything! Just a minor set back along the road to a happier and healthier you. I know my biggest problem is lying to myself and I can't make progress when I do that, so setting this honest makes me feel encouraged. Also, I am cheering for you!

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  36. I don't think you have let anyone down. I heard an amazing thing on one of Jillian Michaels' podcasts the other day. She said (paraphrasing) "When we take 3 steps forward and one step back, we fail to notice that we are still further ahead than where we started. Instead, we only see what we have lost". By recognizing what was happening, and being able to admit to it, you are still in a better place than when you hid it and lived in shame. By owning it and deciding to move forward, you are just proving what a courageous, strong, beautiful woman you are. You will conquer this.

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  37. I don't know how, but it seems on the days I come here to catch up, you've taken the words/thoughts right out of my mouth/head. I appreciate your willingness to share these set backs because it truly helps me not to feel like such a failure for having them myself. Sometimes when everybody is busy kicking butt and rocking the self-controlled eating and I'm secretly sabbotaging myself alone, I wonder howcome I keep letting myself down when everyone else can do it. Thanks for sharing. It does help to know that we all have the same struggles. You've come so far and you are going to keep going. Keep it up!

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  38. I don't know how, but it seems on the days I come here to catch up, you've taken the words/thoughts right out of my mouth/head. I appreciate your willingness to share these set backs because it truly helps me not to feel like such a failure for having them myself. Sometimes when everybody is busy kicking butt and rocking the self-controlled eating and I'm secretly sabbotaging myself alone, I wonder howcome I keep letting myself down when everyone else can do it. Thanks for sharing. It does help to know that we all have the same struggles. You've come so far and you are going to keep going. Keep it up!

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