So I have been avoiding writing this but I feel like a liar so I am just going to get it out there.
I have taken a few steps back.
I have no excuses. I got into a stressful situation a few weeks ago and I started bingeing again. Not nearly as bad as I used to, but any binge is a bad binge. I would tell myself as I was gearing up to it "This is a binge. You are stronger than this. Just fucking stop!" and I wouldn't.
I actually sat in the parking lot of Wal Mart shoving doughnuts and m&ms into my face simultaneously while crying. That happened.
I am not proud. In fact I am the opposite of proud. I am ashamed as hell. I fell under some familiar pressure and my brain took me down the familiar road.
I am looking into seeing an eating disorder specialized therapist. I felt like I was on the right path to recovery for so long and the ease that I slipped back into my old habits and thoughts scares me. I know I will always be a binge eater, but I want to be able to live without the fear of slipping back at any moment.
I also am going to start a journal of gratitude and self appreciation. I am pretty vocal about my self love, but I have a lot of self doubt still. I am hoping that by documenting something different every day that I am awesome at or love about myself will help with that :D
I am also going to try to actually finish 21 Day Fix. I think being in a better place mentally will help because it wont be a trigger to binge again.
So I am so sorry if I let you down. But it feels really good to get it off my chest. And in this few week long bingeapalooza I have been on, I am horrified to say that I am back in the 240's, 245 this morning. Seeing as in February I was flirting with the 220's, I am pretty much devastated. But I know I can get back there. I know it.
Thank you all again for your continued support. Know that I literally could not do this without you.