Operation Skinny Jeans: I am not fearless.

Friday, January 31, 2014

I am not fearless.

In chatting with a friend of mine yesterday, Amber from Crafty Healthy Mommy, I realized that I am scared.

You all know I am a binge eater. And if you didn't, now you do. And with that, and my past, comes a slue of insecurity and fear and feelings of unworthiness.

I am working through it.

But I have fears.

What if I change? I mean I know I am going to change. I have changed. But what if I change a lot? What if I change so much that my friends don't like me anymore, or my husband doesn't love me? I know that sounds really stupid, and I have talked to him about it and he insists that I could never change so much that he wouldn't love me anymore.

And I believe him.

But I still worry about it.

And I worry about never actually reaching my goal. I don't know how to succeed. It's not something I have ever done because when I get too close, I sabotage myself. I am working past it, but it is something I know I do.

I am afraid of what will happen after I reach my goal. Will I gain it back? Will I be happy?

I don't let my fears overwhelm me, but they exist. They come out when I least expect it.

I know you know this, but I am not perfect. I have fears and insecurities and I am working on getting past them.

Basically what i am saying is that it's okay to have fears. And you aren't alone.

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9 comments :

  1. You are never alone. Even when we feel our loneliest we aren't actually alone. I, for one, will ALWAYS be here ;) I have the same fears. Ya the pants that I am wearing today... entirely too big but I am deathly afraid of giving them up. The though in my head... because I may get heavy enough to wear them again one day. I have been where you have been, too... It's a very scary thing to go through. Not speaking for your Husband because even though I worry I know he is going to hands down love the shit out of me until my dying day. I know that. I can't speak for friends though. Honestly their might be some friends that just can't handle the new awesome you. But guess what? It's okay. This isn't about them... it's about YOU and the badass that you are and are allowed to be.

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  2. Both such great posts! Keep up the great work and the honesty!!
    Nicki @ beautifullyawkward01.blogspot.com

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  3. It's good to hear someone else vocalize their fears. I too have many of the same ones. Glad to know I'm not alone. P.S. That rotating pic to the right is making me wanna go out and find some blood oranges!

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  4. Just started reading your blog probably about 3/4 weeks ago- you're doing great girl! I lost 50lbs and have not lost a single friend! In fact, my friends now seek me out for recipe, gym, and general health tips and I love it! If you do in fact lose friends (which I REALLY don't think you will) they obviously were not true friends worth having. I've been with my boyfriend since we were 17- I'm 25 now- and he has loved me at the weight I was at 17 (probably 120ish), the weight I am not (111/113) and everyyyyyything in between (160 was my heaviest- I am 5'1"). You are bettering yourself health wise and a happier, healthier, more energetic and positive you is what is going to come from weight loss!

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  5. I think most of us struggle with those same fears. My husband is adamant that he loves ME. The real me, not the me that I see. Most of the time I believe him, but then I think, "How could he love me"? Yet, he's gained weight as well and I love him more than I did before. We are our own worst enemy.

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  6. Not one person here is perfect. Life is always two steps forward, one step back. All we can do is just our best with this one day we are given. Let the tomorrows take care of themselves.

    And guess what? Whether you lose another ounce your entire life or not, you WILL CHANGE. We all change. It's a part of life. Look forward to, and embrace your change. Always strive to make yourself a better person each day (that is in my nightly prayer to God)...and your change will always, always make you a better person. Be a GOOD thing! :)

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  7. We all have fears, mine being very similar to yours! But, all we can do is try our best!

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  8. When I start to get worried about something in the future that might not happen (what if I get hurt and can't run?, What if all my projects at work pick up at the same time?, what if I don't keep losing weight?, what if..., what if...), I do everything I can to pull myself back to the now. I focus on gratitude for what I have right in this very moment. That is how I deal with my fears of the unknowns. I truly try to take my weight loss one day, and at most, one week at a time. I menu plan for a week, so taking it a week at a time makes sense, but that's what I really try to limit myself to. All the other comments here say the rest, trust the love the world has for you. Trust it...it's really there. :0)

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  9. I know exactly what you mean. I have been so close to my goal weight for quite a while now and after gaining some back and having to lose weight AGAIN I realized something...When I get to my goal weight it isn't going to magically make me happy. I have to work on that as well as working on losing weight or I will gain it back. That is why last year, after I had gained about 30 pounds back, I decided I was going to work on my mind as well as my body. Losing weight for me is so much more mental than physical!

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