That means that while I was kicking ass and taking names on the "cal in cal out" front, I was still not working on the mental side of things. That's where the last 6 months comes in. So while to the outside it might look like "this girl has nothing to say to me about weight loss, she hasn't really lost weight in 6 months", the inside looks like "holy crap I have some screwed up thoughts about food and my weight and my body that I need to figure out too".
So I have been focusing on that. I can tell you that you can't have one without the other. You can't just up and lose weight without also fixing your brain. Ok maybe you can, but it wont last. You have to understand WHY you got to the point you got and fix it so you don't do it again. People ask me all the time how I got to 285 pounds. Did I just eat all the time? Did I never exercise? How does that even happen? And all I can say is that it happens gradually, and that it wasn't just that I was lazy and had a thing for eating a whole pizza. There is more to it.
Growing up, food was not just something to nourish your body. Certain foods were strictly "adult only" foods, and so as a kid, when you are specifically forbidden from having certain foods, you WANT them. You form a really unhealthy obsession with them, and in the event that you get to have them (by sneaking or otherwise) you BINGE on them. Thus started my lifelong struggle with binge eating. The good news for me is that I have a strong aversion to throwing up, so it never became B&P, but I would binge and feel like absolute shit for hours because of it afterward, so mentally I am not sure its much better. I became ashamed of eating certain things in public so I would hide it and go somewhere private to enjoy it. This was just my norm. It wasn't until a really embarrassing moment at my first Christmas Eve dinner with my in laws that I realized something was wrong.
My go to binge food was hot fresh French bread from the grocery store. That and a stick of butter and I was in heaven. After dinner, there was about half of the loaf left, so I casually stuffed it in my hoodie pocket, along with some butter, and went on my merry way. My now mother in law asked me what I was doing and I was mortified. She said they didn't care if I ate more bread and that I didn't have to hide it, and I went to the bathroom and cried. HOW PATHETIC is that?! That was a real low point for me.
I think this is why restricted diets are so hard for me in general. Because food was so restricted as a kid, it takes me back into that place where I feel the need to binge. I have been working on it, and I understand the issues behind it more, but it is a daily struggle.
I have also learned a lot about other things, but this post is already WAY too long, but I promise to share all the mental breakthroughs I have made later :D
Do you identify with this? Are you a binge eater? B&P-er? I will un-spam filter comments on this post so if you want to share, feel free to do so anonymously. Or if you want to email me directly that is cool too. I am not a professional by any means, but I am here for you.